decisions

so last night was REALLY hard for me. i think i've just come to the point where i want to believe that God has someone better that David for me, but it's so hard to believe it. I think about him and how amazing he is, everything i want in a guy, he has. the more i get to know him, the more i like him. i can't think of one thing i don't like. granted, i don't know him as well as other people. however, what i know, i can't get enough of. so it's just really hard for me to, i guess the right word is accept, that who God has picked out for me is even better than him. i so desperately want to get over him. i'm afraid that while i'm sitting here wishing he would like me back, i'm gonna miss something that God has for me. not necessarily that i'll miss the guy he has picked out for me, but something he has in store for me. whether it's an opportunity or something he wants to teach me. i'm afraid i'll miss something he has for me and that scares me. 

so... the solution, to get over him, to move onto something different. that is something else that scares me, how am i gonna get over him? i see him twice a week, i go to home group with him and see him on thursday nights at college group. it seems as though every time i see him i like him more.

so i was talking to martha about it last night and just how upset it's been making me. she suggested just taking a break from church for like 2 weeks. that way i won't see him. cause she knows, and so do i, that whenever i wouldn't see him, i'd get over him. but then when i would start hanging around him again, all those feelings came back. but then i feel like after those two weeks i'll start seeing him again and i'll start liking him again. i don't know what else to do but change churches or move away. i know it sounds drastic, but how else am i not gonna see him? i don't want to change churches because i absolutely love foothills and the people there. and i can't imagine moving away from my family or my friends. i know it probably sounds so stupid to move away just because i like a guy who i've never gone out with and only see at church. but i just feel like that's what it's come down to. so i don't know. i'm gonna talk to sarah about everything on monday and see what she thinks about me just going to another churches college group for like 2 weeks and see how things go. 

i'm just so frustrated. i didn't want things to work out like this. obviously i wanted david to like me and not bethany. but that's how it is. he likes her, every time he talks about liking girls with brown hair and green eyes, he's thinking of her and not me. when he talks about wanting to have kids, he's thinking about how he wants to have kids with her someday and grow old with her, not me. it's really upsetting. i also wish i could just get over him and think of him as a friend. 

i'm just gonna try everything i can. i need to make sure i start spending more time praying and to really be reading the Bible and seek Godly council, which i do. i just need to do what i can and leave the rest up to God. it's gonna be hard but i have to try to do this. i know that i can get through it, i have the most amazing friends, family and God.